Diary of a Fat Suburban Cow

political soapbox

2008-10-12T10:19:00.002+08:00

You would think after all this time I would remember my blogger password but nooooooo, apparently I am not that together. Anyway, aside...

Woe betide any Americans in the social circle at the moment. Some poor American bastard had to deal with three drunken girls (yes yes myself and two others) leaning over the back of his couch last night screeching about how we couldn't believe that he wasn't going to vote in the upcoming elections. And then it was just two girls screeching after I could no longer breathe when he proudly announced that he had *never* voted.

Various threats of physical violence were thrown about "If I found out that you haven't voted I'm going to KICK YOUR ASS!" (yes me again) until the retort of "If you don't leave me alone I'll vote for McCain" shut us all up. That shit just ain't even funny.

Though in truth I'd rather him vote for McCain than not vote at all.

I understand that part of the freedom of speech is that you chose not to speak at all but I can't help but thinking that's it's not an actual choice but an expression of apathy. And apathy is not making a choice, it's being frigging lazy.

The thought of having no political voice fills me with horror because if you don't use it, you lose it. Why would anyone cater to you and your demographic if they know that due to recent polls you don't vote and therefore don't count in their search for votes.

I understand that quite often it's a choice between Dumb and Dumber but I'd rather choose the Lesser Evil than have someone else potentially choose the Greater Evil because I can't get off my ass. If everyone thought that their one vote didn't matter Florida would have turned out different. Jesus Christ the Zimbabwe elections wouldn't have been shown to have been such a farce.

I've said before that I vote Greens as my first preference not because I ever expect them to be in power but because I want the two major parties to know that if they want my lone vote than they need to change some of their policies to woo me. And yes, my second preference is chosen for which of the two evils I believe to be the Lesser.

Am I American? No. Do I know the full story? Of course not. Is it my business? Hell yeah! You only have to look at the last two weeks to see the ripples of the US on Oz and that's just the financial market. It gets bandied around enough that people should be more than aware that we are a world community. Very little happens that doesn't affect the rest of the world and for better or worse, the upcoming US Presidential elections is one thing that can really affect us all..

So my poor lazy American friends will get the full screeching treatment in the hope that their one vote, their one voice will make a difference.

From Little Things Big Things Grow - Paul Kelly

tex mex y'all

2008-10-03T09:48:00.003+08:00

Am I sad that I'm all like wheeeeeeeeeeeee no shit! when one of my everday-reading blogs gets noted as the Blogger Blog of Note? (Jesus Christ how many times can I write blog in one sentence?).

Homesick Texan! Woohoo! Not that it's my blog - puhlease I am not that exciting- but I get excited vicariously.

Plus in my alternative daydreaming life I'm sure I'd make a rockin' Southerner. I have the hair flickin', eye flutterin' down pat plus I can leave off my g's easy peasy. Not to mention I get to eat things like "pulled pork" and chillies.. I mean peppers. Although the European in me does quail at the thought of orange cheese in a block that doesn't go off.

Then again I've been eating processed crap this past week and was originally planning to eat it for the next month. I've ordered that Lite and Easy crap and have now started daydreaming about slitting my wrists. It's not that the food is bad per se more that it's very.... simple... Tuna, tomato and mayo on roll. Check. Muesli. Check. Baked beans on toast. Check. I've had to liven all the meals up with herbs and spices and occassionally added calories (gasp) by adding some form of condiment. I'm also over the fact that the meat was only meat in a past life. It's been so overprocessed that it's enough to make me vegetarian all over again.

So I can't decide whether I'll just suck it up (princess) and just stick to it for another month as planned, lose the 4kgs as planned and then go on to live happily ever after (with flavour) or just go back to what I was doing and lose the last of the workers comp weight a little bit slower but happier.

On a whole sociology thing though the whole diet thing has been interesting. The guys have been horrified and told me that I don't need to lose any weight including the gay men whilst the girls have all understood.

Numa Numa - nothing to do with the post I just love this classic vid.

the odds

2008-09-18T08:33:00.003+08:00

Riddle me puzzled.

How in this God's green earth do I keep - in a city of almost four million mind you - DO I KEEP FREAKIN' BUMPING INTO EXES??

You would think I would have had a better chance in Perth being that it's like - I don't know - a quarter of the size?? But no. Apparently a trip down memory lane is what is required in Melbourne. I suppose I shouldn't wail too much - of all the exes to bump into he's actually the least of them all. It would be far, far worse to bump into someone like Donut say.Although he's recently resurfaced in The Flatmates life and called her out of the blue for the first time in over a year.

Timing.

Still I've bumped into this particular memory trip twice in a month and he actually recognised me this time 'round.

On a side note, Friend With Benefits stayed over recently. And now.. we are no longer friends.

In a way it's nice... and a little strange. It's the first time in over ten years at least that I'm not friends with/talking to an Ex so it's kinda like waking up with a clean slate. It's also strange because they've been with me for so long and it was also not a deliberate cutting off decision with them more like they dropped off over a two year period.

I'm actually an anti-Friends-With-Exes girl. I personally think it's unnatural. I think you can only be friends with an ex if you've been with them for a certain time - either very little or very long. Little so that snarly, tangled emotion called love doesn't twist in on itself or long so you've had a chance for that feeling to fade... and the feeling of friendship to grow.

In truth I've just been friends with the exes as a Break In Case of Emergency. With a dash of Unfinished Business of course. Once the Business was found to be not unfinished but actually crap, there was nothing left.

With Friend With Benefits it was more a rapid realisation that a) this was no longer the person that I knew even five years ago b) that I didn't like the person they were now and c) I was tired of being shoved on a pedestal and told what was "good" for me. I feel bad that I ended it the way that I did but I don't feel bad that it's ended - just relieved.

The painful thing about it is that I'm now dreaming about ToyBoy and even had a dream about The Cop the other night! The conscious mind is ready to let go of them but apparently the subconscious mind is not..

bar humbug

2008-09-17T17:56:00.000+08:00

I like puns. Maybe that makes me a bad person, someone lacking in intelligent humour but show me a pun and I'll show you a look of glee, especially when that pun is combined with food and alcohol.

But first a bit of the back-story. Every Tuesday night is Date Night in my circle.

Like every great habit it started by accident - I was bored, lonely and prepared to force JJ to see me but it has now expanded to include the other single girls in the friendship circle.

We meet every Tuesday at the Flinders clocks and then head off to do something. Usually drink, always eat and occasionally a shitty movie.

(Make It Happen.. I'm looking at you. It's the burlesque Flashdance of our time - I can't wait for the atrocity!!)

One place we recently tried was Bar Humbug - go the corner of Little Bourke and King and head back a little along Little Bourke towards Spencer St and you'll find it - a sunken pun.

We love a sunken pun bar.

Most importantly we love a sunken pun bar with a fantastic selection of wine and even better food.

The wine list was a little bit more expensive than most but that was because the quality was better than most so that's a trade-off I'm more than willing to take.

What made it fantastic though is the food. The friend and I had the chicken fajitas and trio of dips to share and oh-my-frickin'-god were they good. And all the mains are the 18-20 dollar mark!

But don't just take my word for it - check our their site!

It has definitely made it to my list of places to go for awkward-first-date time - especially for an awkward-first-date during the week. It was busy enough that you wouldn't feel even more conspicuous than you already felt and the music and background noises from other patrons comfortably masked individual table talk. So no need to feel even more conspicuous than you already feel on your awkward date. Lighting is dimmed, bar sunken so no staring passersby...

Remind me of it when I have a date in about oh... 15 years time.

Yes, yes woe is me. Move along now.

politics

2008-09-08T09:51:00.002+08:00

Yes, yes dirty word but I'm absolutely loving the WA election at the moment.

All I can think is that it's just a real life example of the saying "Be careful who you step on on the way up because you'll be passing them on the way down." Okay, okay so I'm just paraphrasing it but you get the point.

The Liberals would have a minority government if they hadn't pissed off the Nationals. Just shows the perils of being too cocky and thinking that you don't need anyone.

The swing against Labor towards the Greens also means that finally after so many years my cunning plan may finally come to fruition.

People always question why I vote Greens as my first preference and then select who I actually want to govern second because we all know that the Greens were never going to get in. Basically it's because I want the major powers to realise that if they want my primary vote that they need to act more green in their legislation and actions.

It's been quoted on the Teev that there was a 4% swing against Labor towards the Greens which is a lot of votes. Obviously some of it is going to be the left-wing Labor that feel that Labor has gone way too right for them to stay within the party but a girl can dream about more environmental legislation as her lonesome vote is courted.

Oooh and now I get to help vote Brumby out! He has earned my ultimate hate with that retarded 2am lockout shit. I don't care if it's finished - he's an idiot.

cough cough splutter splutter

2008-09-08T08:04:00.002+08:00

Uuuurrgghhhhhh. I have the nastiest cold/flu. I suppose technically it's a flu due to the body aches but since my friends keep giving me crap and telling me I have a man cold I'll stick with that.

Uurrggghhh.

Doctor I would like my lungs back thanks.

So I am keeping my sniffling, sneezing, coughing, choking, nap-taking person to myself and not sharing my cooties with my workmates already than I already have.

And god I am frickin' bored.

On a side note I've decided that I can't stick the job out for six months as planned. I am so, so bored. So I either change jobs or I finally get off my butt and start doing the extra certs I've been thinking of for ages.

Or I become a shallow, party animal and used my wages to support my habit.

Nice.

Mancold

FFS

2008-09-04T17:44:00.003+08:00

OH MY GOD!

WILL I STOP WALKING RANDOMLY INTO MALE TOILETS ALREADY!

Always at friggin' train stations as well.

I don't know whether it's a Freudian slip or just a sign of how I have too much on my mind but really.. I need it to stop.

I can't take much more of the panicked, white-of-the-eyes looks from the guys especially when combined with my rather dainty exclamations of "shit. not again." and "FUCK IT!"

Gah.

Other than that the move has gone well. It's just like I never left except I'm older and everyone is boring. OK I lie. I'm boring except for the accidental habit above.

tease me

2008-08-03T21:03:00.007+08:00

Moving is actually fun!

Not only have I rediscovered the full extent of my shoes and realised the full portent of what ToyBoy meant when he pointed at my sky blue leather and purple snakeskin Italian cowboy boots (oh yes..) as an example of what he meant when he said that he believed that the man should be the "provider" and he couldn't afford me.

I know. Such crap and bullshit exists today. Thank god I have Eurotrash leather to console me.

I've also thrown my life away and realised that I exist in six convenient boxes. (Only half of one box is shoes.. the other is full of handbags and belts)

I also discovered at last night's work drinks that two of my co-workers are in love with me.

Contestant No. 2 "I love you"
Me "Wha??"

One I suspected of having a crush and just pretended to not understand what he was getting at when he was fumbling towards asking me for a date over the last few months. The other caught me totally out of the blue. I wish someone was there with a camera when the grab-kiss-declaration occurred. If I was a cartoon character my eyes would have popped out and my jaw hit the floor. Even funnier was when a group of co-workers descended on him and dragged him away. I'm not sure if he'll remember on Monday or not - I've decided the litmus test is eye contact. If he can look at me on Monday, he doesn't remember.. If he can't...

So even with the mega freaking hang over I've had all day I've been in a pretty alright mood. Work crushes I expected when I was at uni and working in retail.. I just never expected them in an office and especially with all two contestants and myself being on the other side of 30. Not to mention they both have girlfriends and Contestant No. 2 has just bought a house with said girlfriend. Apparently they must have heard through the grapevine yet again that I have the cure for cancer in my pants.*

On a total side note it started up the "what is fidelity?" conversation yet again amongst us singletons because quite frankly if my partner had a massive crush on someone and declaring their feelings and wishing they were single etc. , I'd be absolutely devastated. And yet she'll never find out and they'll stay together and probably even get married, have babies.. and he'll go on wanting the next person that he meets. I'm arrogant enough to think I'm enough for my fictitious partner and that although we'll still check out other people there will be no declarations of lust/love/. Maybe being on the other side of 30 just means it's about time that everyone starts divorcing.

Won't that be fun.

Sneaky Sound System - Tease Me

* The reason we came up with after yet another of my friend's boyfriends hit on me and tried to stick his hand down my jeans. Apparently The Marrieds must be under the misapprehension that I keep the cure for cancer in my pants.

shoes

2008-08-02T09:49:00.002+08:00

There is nothing like packing up your life into six convenient boxes to make you realise how MUCH FREAKING STUFF YOU OWN! Seriously.

I have now called a shoe embargo on myself and am not allowed to buy any shoes unless they are actually nothing at all what I already own... and that's gotta be one pair of special shoes...

Shoes the Full Version

you think you're a man

2008-07-28T18:12:00.005+08:00

I don't know what universe the ToyBoy thinks we live in that he can a) message me for my birthday and then b) assume that I've changed numbers because I ignored it and go on to message me on fb.

Oh I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that we were friends.

ToyBoy infiltrating my friends? And then wishing me a happy birthday??

Jesus freaking christ.

Unfortunately he didn't seem to be the only ex-bf that seems to think that we're all hunky dorey and BFFs forever.

I had one email me at work (!). I managed to be good and not ask him how his wife was. I couldn't be bothered with him telling me he wasn't married when I've seen the damn photos of him on his wedding day.

I ignore their birthdays! I think it's only fair that they ignore mine and stay in the hole they crawled into in the first place!

Oh and I'm apparently the co-worker you confide in when you realise that you have a drug addiction. Unfortunately for me I am actually the co-worker you confide in because I happen to know someone that used to work in a drop-in centre so I gave him a number and other counselling services details.

People these days. You get naked with them and suddenly they think you care*

DIVINE - You Think You're A Man**

* OK to be fair, I do like the co-worker. I'm just up to my eyeballs in saving the universe what with the Friend With Benefit's fragile mental state after the accident and the BFFs breakup with the Fruit Vedor aka The Groper.

** This was my favourite song when i was like 7. You think this would have been a major sign to my parents that I was going to end up a Fag Hag.

My Life

2008-07-23T19:25:00.004+08:00

Heh. Must work on posting more. I can't believe the last one was June 11.

So what has happened since then? In no particular order I give you:
- got a job in Melbourne - start shortly
- move to Melbourne - in even less time than above
- really, really hate packing
- having pyromaniac feelings - I just want to "burn it all, it all I say!" instead of packing it
- broke one of the cardinal rules and hooked up with a co-worker, thought we'd come to an understanding of "weshallneverspeakofthisagain" until he did the drunk dial and I tried to calmly remind him of the "weshallneverspeakofthisagain" agreement.
- realised that instead of crying after ToyBoy and I broke up, I mourned by becoming a dirty ho-bag. And that although fun for dinner party stories it's actually not really working for me so I'll be hanging up my dirty ho-bag gloves and exploring concepts like "control"... Wish me luck.
- realised what good friends I have by one of them telling one of the echelon that it was not on that ToyBoy was infiltrating the Outer Circle Of Friends. I have no issue with us having the same friends or bumping into each other but being sneak attacked? I don't think so.
- erm. what else? A good friend of mine who is an ex and occasional lover... we shall call him Friend with Benefits almost died after the car he was in rolled.. and a passenger did. As you can imagine he's not...great...
- Blackberry vs iPhone... I borrowed a friend's Blackberry and hated it initially and was fervently anti-it because I don't want to be more available than I already am so the benefits of iChat and facebook... kinda just makes me cringe... but then I used it more and oh god, Crackberry. I so miss the qwerty keyboard. I'm going to try the iPhone out soon and then probably go back to having an anguished debate in my head again
- my parents are back in the house again - see moving to Melbourne
- I'm so over my job - see new job
- I hate Winter - yes I know that I'll be seeing a lot of it in Melbourne
- oooh discovered that I can have blackspots if I now drink too much - see co-worker hook-up and "control", need for it.
- oh! turning 31 very shortly! yes! 31! 3! 1!

Gah.

Bon Jovi - It's My Life

musings of the broken hearted

2008-06-11T18:43:00.003+08:00

Not that I'm actually broken-hearted but when have I ever let something like the truth get in the way of a little melodrama?

To recap, I have cracked the absolute shits the past month. A rather charming Australian euphemism which makes me picture... well the Bali/Bombay Belly.. if I think about it. But hey! I don't choose the language, I just choose to sink to its lowest depths.

There has been a lot of yelling at work (from me) along the lines of "No. I'm not paid to do that. He is." and "I'm sorry? Is that my job?" And other Tourettes laden musings. I'm actually surprised I haven't been invited to spend some one-on-one time with HR in regards to my language and how it makes others feel.

In some ways I feel a bit guilty that I'm being a bit of a tyrant but another part of me is revelling in the fact that I. Have. Finally. Had. Enough. And. There. Is. Nothing. That. They. Fucking. Can. Do. About. It. Because. They. Need. Me. Too. Much... (tm)

It's not how I normally operate but another part of me snickers because it's just so much fun to flounce around!

I'm a Leo. It's all about the mane tossing and roaring.

In other words, it has got me out of a rut and into planning mode. Yes people Hersheykins is moving forward. Or sideways. Some direction but definitely not backwards. I have actually made plans to move back to Melbourne. In August. Not that I've told many of my friends or even my immediate family. I have this annoying habit of keeping things that I'm not 100% sure about very close to my chest which makes it oh-so-fun when I can't take it any more and it all bursts out (see the above flouncing).

In my defence, I'm not that bad. I'm just being melodramatic and flouncy and flowery.

So I have found a place to live and may actually be transferring with work... Apparently there is a benefit to being so loud and forcing change that people you've never spoken to in your life know who you are.

Still. Apart from being melodramatic etc I am also bitter and jaded. So I fully expect it to fall splat and not work out. Still lobbing into Melbourne with a salary would be nice. Two months with no cash due to no job? Not so nice.

In other news, my freaking ex is infiltrating the outer reaches of my social circle. Obviously it is a) the outer reaches and not people I regularly socialise with and b) Perth where Six Degrees of Separation does not exist. Three degrees is the max. Freaking FaceBook. And obviously part of the ick factor is lessened because the girl he is currently smooching is after me. But let's face it. It's not the point. Nor is it the point that it's not like I haven't moved on several times. Because again - not the point.

Actually I don't know what the point is - except I don't like it, I'm pissed off with the outer circle and definitely not impressed with his current choice of attention. No it's not mature, and yes bigger person, blah blah blah. Not the point. I'm human (see flouncing) and I am not a Buddhist Nun. I have emotions and they are not always polite or quiet (see roaring).

Kelis- Caught Out There

nothing sweet about me

2008-05-20T21:37:00.003+08:00

I found out.

I didn't get it.

I was dignified and controlled. In other words, I'd had enough and cried. I even hiccuped! I then apologised to my boss and said that I wanted to deal with it in a dignified, controlled, respectable manner but it was the final straw in a long list of "Tell me again why I work for you?" especially when the reason why the other person got it over me wasn't even in the job criteria. The conversation then degenerated into discussions of kicking small animals and setting things alight as other things I could do not in a respectable manner. My boss and I... black humour. He raised drinking as an option, I advised that was perfectly respectable and indulged in that at lunch.

Bugger them.

My inbox both computer and mobile have been inundated with "be brave", "better things", "be patient" and other such crap. Don't care. If they can't promote me when I'm recognise in the state awards and in line for the national then I'm not quite sure what more I can possibly do. I told my boss straight out that I only had two choices - step sideways or step outside the company. They block me when I try to step sideways so now I have to step out.

Won't that be fun?

Gabriella Cilmi 'Sweet About Me'

(can't get no)

2008-05-19T18:49:00.007+08:00

I'm just a little bit cranky.

I went for a job interview - same company, same floor, different department - on Thursday and it was down to just two of us. We were told that we would find out Monday.

Monday rolls around.

No comment. Gossip, innuendo, speculation has been flying around. I work in an office. It happens. Actually I think it happens wherever you have two people or more.

Needless to say it hasn't been very good for the constitution. I got through the weekend by chanting "There's nothing you can do about it" and got through today by putting my head down and swearing at the computer. A lot.

Of course everyone asked me if I'd heard anything about who got it at the most inopportune time - the best being as I was about to grab some lunch. The butterflies and gut clenching terror raised its head and only my friend threatening to steal my sandwich got me to eat it. Nothing like competition to motivate a girl.

I also spent all of Sunday night dreaming about being pregnant. With two paternity tests in the works. And me being sure it was actually a third guy because of the fact that I was about to give birth. It was one of those dreams that you wake up because of.. and then fall back asleep into it... again and again.. It was a bit disorientating and disturbing.

I just want to know damnit!

Edit: And I can't get the frigging font to get bigger. I give up.

Rolling Stones - Satisfaction

you little thief

2008-05-07T18:47:00.005+08:00

Break ups suck.

Most of the time anyway. Sometimes they're the light at the end of the tunnel, the much needed breath of air, the yelling of "Hallelujah! I have seen the light!"

I have both of those around me at the moment.

I have the "Best Friend" and her shithead ass grabbing visa wanting boyfriend who from all appearances are still going strong. And then I have another couple I know who have been together for three years who are going through a massively nasty patch in their relationship cancelling dinner at my place because they don't want to spend time together. With each other.

I can see the bane of every married couple's friend's life coming to the fore - I'm going to have to make a choice. And goddamnit I don't want to. I like both of them. Equally. I have the urge to put on my best three year old pout, frown like it's going out of style, cross my arms and say sulkily "But I don't want to!" And if I don't want to, I don't have to. But we all know that's a lie - you have to make a choice and I'll have to choose her.

Then again if it was the "Best Friend" I wouldn't choose either of them.

Meow! Saucer of milk to Table 3!

I know that part of it is that since she's been obsessed with the idiot mark ii I've become close friends with some other girls so the void of friendship has partly been filled and the other part is that I'm running out of excuses for her. First I explained it away by saying it was the drugs. And then I thought it was the idiot mark i. And then the idiot mark ii. And then I started to think that maybe it wasn't them but who she actually was when a guy is around.

Don't get me wrong - I find it devastating and somewhat depressing that I've lost another "best friend" to a boyfriend that can't keep his hands to himself because you know apparently I have the cure for cancer. In my pants.

Feargal Sharkey - You Little Thief

Actually I just wanted to post this. I love the bit where he yells you little whoooooooooooooooooooooooore. Best. Boy. Whinge. Song. Ever.

boring

2008-04-30T21:31:00.002+08:00

Nothing exciting to report.

Went out to dinner a couple of times last weekend - back to That Little Mexican Place (I like their entrees and desserts but still have not found a main that I like - annoying) and finally went to Gypsy Tapas.

Still continuing the inappropriate flirting with a much much younger workmate (still not as young as The Boy) but made much more inappropriate by the fact that he leaves the country shortly. (Is it wrong that I see that as a plus? Dating workmates is built for awkwardness)

Still daydreaming madly about the gold snake skin Blackberry purse from cool hunter... Goddamn sensibilities.

Have to get my act together and order my boots from the UK too... debating on waiting a little to see if they discount them as it's getting warmer there so the demand will be less... then again the dollar is pretty strong at the moment so I don't want to wait too long. Stupid economy. (Heh. Just checked the website then - sale!)

Oh! I've had a couple of non-dates - meals with a person of the opposite sex where all that is needed is a nod to ignite the sexual tension - but.. I just can't make up my mind if I'm interested or not. Yes, I am going to Hell for being cruel.

Have lost enough weight now that jeans shopping is a necessity - my skinny jeans are no longer skinny and the butt tends to hang around my knees if I don't keep hiking them up. I fricking hate jeans shopping. If there is one thing in this world that is guaranteed to put me in the Worst Mood Ever it's jeans shopping.

Oh and I've finally had enough of me looking after work perfectly and letting my personal life fall to shambles due to inattention so I've made an appointment for blood work and another with my TCM doctor. Now I just have to go to the dentist, the GP, a podiatrist and.. a surgeon. I have a wonky bone in my foot that I need broken, shaved and reset and my sick leave kicks in again soon so now's the time to do it.

On a side note I can't believe it's May already! I haven't even banked my tax cheque yet!! (see personal life in shambles)

The Pierces "Boring"

i refuse to accept your version of reality

2008-04-19T18:37:00.002+08:00

This would be the version where I wake up, get ready, feel that niggling in the back of my head that means a migraine is coming on. Logic says this means a migraine is coming on. I do? Nothing about it.

I go the supermarket. While I'm struggling back, I have a couple of clouds float across my left eye and the niggling bits in the back of my head turn into bits of pain. Logic says this means a migraine is coming on. I do? Nothing about it.

I struggle off to my appointment with the person who listens to my romantic gossip mixed in with moments of intense silence where I try not to scream as she pours hot wax on my nethers. The pain is worse but that kind of pales in comparison to the pain from elsewhere. Logic says I should perhaps rethink the hot wax since I'm not actually seeing anyone and also... a migraine is coming on. I do? Make another appointment and.. nothing about it.

I go to my friend's place for tea, a three year old and a seven month old with screaming that makes the pain in my head much worse and the nausea increase. Logic says I should probably accept what's staring me in the face. I do? Finally something about it. Of course it's a little late by now so my friend has to load her two children in whilst the three year old screams hysterically and I'm trying not to puke. I finally manage to get to the bathroom, undress whilst leaning against the wall and throw myself to the bottom of the shower.. for an hour... whilst musing about how the feeling of my scalp being on fire is a new migraine symptom and is actually quite interesting.

Logic says take the fucking pills when you know the migraine is coming on you idiot. I do? Nothing about it ;)

Kelis - I Don't Think So

sleep

2008-04-18T08:31:00.003+08:00

I have problems sleeping. In the whole scheme of my life, it's a recent thing. I can't remember having problems sleeping as a child - unless it was because my brother was terrified yet again that a monster was going to get him. I swear I spent half my childhood hanging upside down from the top bunk proving to him that it was only me there and I was still alive and non-eaten by the monster. As a teenager I was typical - I slept. And slept. And slept. My mum used to watch me in fascination as I wandered around the house getting ready for school/work, still firmly asleep. It's a special skill to sleep with your eyes open.

I think the first time I realised that I had problems sleeping was when I moved to Melbourne. I would wake up several times a night and have problems dropping off. I think a lot of the problem then however was one of my crazy neighbours who liked to work on one of the crappy cars in the backyard and he would keep flicking the lights in his garage on and off. My favourite was when I was woken with the loud revving at 3am.

Murder, she wrote.

Now it's constant. It probably kicked in at the start of my workers compensation claim. I can't really remember it being a problem before then. In the beginning it was because I couldn't sleep for the ringing in my ears. I remember lying there half hysterical trying to think of ways to block the noise out. Bit hard when it's tinnitus. I remember calling work half sleep drugged to beg off for the day because I'd finally gotten to sleep and needed to follow it through to eight hours so I could stay sane for the next week. In the end, it was pure and utter stress.

The only time period in the last two and a half years I can remember sleeping solidly with no issues was when I was with The Boy. I'm just not one of those people that can't sleep when there's someone else in the bed with them. Obviously in the beginning when it's new and unfamiliar there's that period of awkwardness but after that. Sleep. Glorious sleep.

When he went away for two whole weeks and I couldn't sleep I finally cracked under the pressure, grabbed his aftershave and sprayed his pillow so I could finally sleep like the dead.

When we broke up I gave him all his stuff back in garbage bags including his damn aftershave.. and I stopped sleeping. This wouldn't be so bad if I only needed four hours of sleep but I need eight hours and by the time I get to sleep, there's not enough time before work to get it.

My friends keep telling me to get the ex's aftershave but there's something (more than) slightly humiliating about that. Valerian doesn't work - I'm one of the 2% that gets hyperactive on it. Nice. Drinking works but then they have groups for people that start relying on alcohol to cope with their daily activities which I don't want to join. Sleeping pills are fucked. I would rather be a tired zombie than a cracked out zombie thank you very much.

So I sit here yawning my little head off and thanking the gods that I have insomniac friends to join me in the wee hours.

Beastie Boys - No Sleep Til Brooklyn

i think therefore i am

2008-04-14T21:22:00.003+08:00

Inspired by Christine at ramblings from a gypsy soul's post:

ENTP - The "Originator"

ENTPs are logical, innovative, curious and downright inventive. They see possibilities for improvement everywhere and possess the ability to understand complex concepts. ENTPs are introspective and carefree nonconformists. They often neglect the more common areas of life while pursuing new solutions. ENTPs can be good conversationalists and exciting company.

ENTP Population
Total: 3%
Male: 4.5%
Female: 1.5%

Cicada - The Things You Say

insult to injury

2008-04-13T15:06:00.001+08:00

And to add insult to injury I looked in the mirror this morning and there, right in the middle of my forehead was a white hair...

My hairdresser and I will be having words.

Visage - Fade To Grey

a woman of a certain age

2008-04-12T15:27:00.004+08:00

I am an idiot.

I'm more than willing to own up to that description. Yes I probably judge myself too harshly but then I usually do.. and that's a post for another time. I'm an idiot because I feel like a woman of a certain age.

You know the kind, the ones that get lamented about by men of a certain age. We're baby mad, eager for marriage, just want to settle down and have the urge to nest.

And I even caught myself wanting to not get any older the other day because you know, wanting something apparently stops time.

I know what's brought in on - me turning 31 in three months and therefore being undeniably in my thirties (before then I was 30, not in my thirties and all the bullshit about what I think that means), falling in and out of love with The Boy, dealing with the incessant whining and demands of The Cop (so a story for another time. Yes, there is more to it than The December Debacle), having everyone shack up around me and having babies (including the on/off boyfriend who failed to mention the whole married thing when we were last "on" - what the).

The tick-tock of the biological clock is really starting to shit me though. The slight feeling of panic that occurs when the biological clock chimes the hour even more so.

The biggest terror of all is that I may eventually meet someone that I want to see longer than for thirty seconds and freak them out so much by sticking to them closer than a second skin. That's if eau de desperation doesn't scare them away in the first place.

I think this calls for martinis, a beach resort and inappropriately aged relationships.

I Wanna Have Your Babies - Natasha Bedingfield

i should be so lucky

2008-02-16T16:13:00.004+08:00

A movie that is going to be in my Top Ten for the foreseeable future is Woody Allen's Match Point.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Woody Allen fan nor am I girl-crushing on ScarJo - in fact I couldn't even watch their last movie because their lovefest of oh-my-god-look-at-us-aren't-we-just-so-great-together! had me dry retching. . . Hugh Jackman notwithstanding.

And although JRM and the equally delectable IMHO Matthew Goode would have guaranteed a re-watch - let's face it I own Chasing Liberty purely for Matthew Goode - I love it for it's bleak theme.

It's all about chance.

Chance absolutely terrifies me. If I allowed myself, I'd break out in a cold sweat every moment of the day just thinking about it. It worries me that one moment you're here and the next. . . you're dead. We all hear the horror stories - the workmate's best friend's brother's girlfriend who wakes up to find him dead in bed at 26 from a blood clot, the woman stabbed to death whilst visiting her grandmother's grave. These aren't bad things happening to people who make bad choices. These are things that happen randomly, horribly with no reason sometimes other than that they were in the wrong place, in the wrong time.

But. . .

Chance can be wonderful. I think it's unbelievable how you can meet someone that logically you should have met several times before but never did. . . and for some reason - maybe the stars align, maybe you just flipped a coin the right way up - you do. Angels sing, stars twinkle and you hit it off.

In a way, chance is the great equaliser - she doesn't care if you're good, that you paid your taxes, that you are good to your mother. She'll come whether you like it or not.

Of course JRM's character's good things were only saved by chance - he still put everything into place long before then. . . but then that's a moral for another time.

can of campbell soup

2008-01-21T17:19:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm not.

It was Warhol that originally quipped:

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you"

I've probably paraphrased it wrong but that's okay, you can flagellate me later. The point being I got a feeling that someone at work found my blog (my whole 0.8 readers rejoice) so everything has been yanked off and the site has a rebirth. I should have actually restarted it somewhere else but I like being a fat suburban cow so here I still am.

I have been holidaying like craaaaaaazy and am actually no longer a whiter shade of pale. It's all very exciting. Not working very much and being poor does have it's benefits - you get to sit in the sun while everyone else is at work and if your parents are now working in a seaside town it comes cheaply too.

I am off to interstate and will shortly be entering rehab once I get back. The last time I went away sans boyfriend it was only for four days and I spent the last day alternating between whimpering and groaning because of my liver. A girl at work upped the ante by telling of her liver infection from her last holiday. She can win that competition hands down.